Long List of Ex Lovers

Disclaimer:  No boys were hurt in the making of this post, ok maybe just one or two (I kid).

      I have dated every type of guy there is and loved just about as many of them.  I claim to be a cold hearted, love hating, and black soul bearing girl when it comes to romance, but truthfully I see the best in people. I have taken a flying leap of faith for guys more often than I care to admit.  With that in mind, I would like to introduce to you to my long list of ex-lovers (well some of the more memorable ones I should say).  I loved and lost and while some of them I had relationships with and some were boys I just couldn't make stick around they all have a story or better yet a song.  I hope you find my trials and tribulations an inspiration to keep kissing boys or girls or both to find your love story.  After all Taylor Swift got hers.

Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.

-Amy Poehler, Harvard Speech

Fifteen: When you are 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're going to believe them.  He was my first everything.  At 15 then 16 I thought he was it.   Baseball star and the boy who called me out on my not so black heart, the first boy I flew across a country for, and the first boy to break my heart.  From NM to FL he was my teenage love story that set the tone for years and years to come.  Back then I swore I was going to marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine.  Cause when you're 15 you give everything you have to boys who change their minds.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together:  This is just exhausting.  Everyone will date someone who you seem to constantly have in your life.  You dated, then became friends, talked about dating again, dated other people, are still friends, and then talk about dating again.  You have so much history and you've been there for each other through the best times and the worst, but eventually you wake up and realize your "relationship" is exhausting and gosh always so dramatic.  At this point, you have to just spare each others feelings and say you are never ever ever getting back together like ever.

Innocent: Every girl will at some point date a bad boy, mine was rock n roll dream.  Problem with bad boys is they are filled with trouble.  But I learned to just sit back and enjoy the music, to live with a certain amount of passion from him.  It was a brief moment shared, but I know I will always find him in certain towns on buses with bands.  Just know, your string of lights is still bright to me, Oh, who you are is not what you've been.  You're still an innocent.  It's okay, life is a tough crowd, 32, and still growin' up now, who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent. Time turns flames to embers.  You'll have new Septembers, every one of us has messed up too. Minds change like the weather I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new.

Begin Again: There I was all dressed in black staring out the window silently hoping no one would sit next to me when you stopped and asked if the seat was taken.  I took one look at you and knew this was going to be an interesting flight.  I was going to Chicago, first time back since moving and you were heading home.  You thought I was funny and said you'd never met a girl quite like me.  We talk about your soccer career and whiskey and our families like we were catching up over coffee.  You offer to get my bags for me and grab me a cab and you have no idea how nice that is.  I say goodbye and you kiss my cheek and just like that I watched it begin again.  I'd spent the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end but on that day on a plane, I watched it begin again.

Bad Blood:  You were the nice guy till you weren't.    My parents loved you, always a gentleman, held my hand, opened doors, and smiled at me like I was something more.  Smooth on TV and smooth with me.  Last time I saw you I thought we actually stood a chance.   Bandaids don't fix bullet holes, you love like that blood runs cold.  It used to be mad love so take a look, a look what you've done because baby now we got bad blood.  If you're coming my way just don't.

I’m just not interested in the things that won’t last forever.

-	John Mayer ( Interview: ‘Recovered Ego Addict’)

Clean:  You told my best friend you were in love with me so I took a chance on the boy who was supposed to be "the nice guy", it was snowing and I realized I was falling, then it was spring and I was sure of you.  You never let me hold the umbrella because when I did you ended up wet, I taught you that cerulean was a color and danced around your bedroom to Fleetwood Mac.  Summer came with one sided I love you's but with fireworks in July came hope with your arms wrapped around me and the pictures to prove it, until August when you said goodbye.  It was months and months of back and forth, you were all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore.  Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky, turned black like a perfect storm.  10 months sober I must admit just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it.  

Dear John/ Wonderland:  Flashing lights and we took a wrong turn and we fell down a rabbit hole.  You held on tight to me because nothing is as it seems.  We found wonderland you and I got lost in it and life was never worse but never better.  I reached for you, but you were gone.  You search the world for something else that makes you feel like what we had, and in the end in Wonderland we both went mad.  It was the first day of my new life when you introduced yourself to me, then the next day you surprised me by remembering me.  Weeks passed with quick hellos and I never would've thought that a month later I would be making you fall in love with New York.  Serendipity, kisses on street corners, eating our way through NYC and conversations about everything we wanted out of life.  I showed you all the places that inspired me and little did you know you'd inspire me too.  I finally thought I had got it right.  I will miss our conversations and hell I'll miss you.  You call yourself a monster, but I know deep down you're just scared to try.  I should've listened to your warnings, should've never given you too much time, but I saw how good, good could be and ignored all the warning signs.  And you'll add my name to the long list of others who just don't understand and I'll look back and regret not listening when they said run as fast as you can.  You are an expert at "sorry" and keeping lines blurry.  (I'll see you in an airport someday)

You will kiss hundreds of frogs, you will cry millions of tears, and you will have thousands of adventures in the search of love.  Fight for love and love all the stupid boys even if just for a minute.  I promise you every jerk who breaks your heart will teach you a lesson about yourself and while you might lose the boy, I hope you find yourself, and I hope that just like for me that somehow that is everything.

If you gotta force it, just leave it alone. Relationships, friendships, ponytails.. Just leave it.

-Reyna Biddy xxx B

Thank you, Taylor Swift,  for writing exactly what all of us girls think and feel!

Single and Never Sure How to Mingle

Several months ago I decided on being single for 18 months (a la Taylor Swift) and well now that I am quickly approaching 1 year of being "super" single, I decided we should revisit the issue or better yet the journey.

As I write this I am cup number 2 of coffee (new favorite Glazed Chocolate Donut) and have found out that yet another ex is married, I am pretty sure every ex I have ever had is in a serious relationship.  I am just here being cool, drinking coffee and champagne, buying expensive clothes, and traveling the world.

Needless to say I am a hopeless romantic and let's stress the hopeless part because let's be honest, who wants to date someone who spends 75+ hours a month in the air and is rarely sure where she is, where she is going, or when she will be home.  Now for the romantic part, well I want the flowers and the whole fairytale thing but I also want to be left alone sometimes so maybe I am just really confused on what a girl has to do to find her prince charming.  I also refuse to kiss any frogs so that idea is a no go!  But you have to ask what does a girl gotta do to get some consistency?

If you asked me, I would tell you that all I really want is someone who is constant, no mess, no confusion, just simple relationship.  I realize that what I am looking for only exists in an alternate reality.  Is it that hard to just like someone though and let that be enough?  I don't think so, we are a society inclined to endless options, why have one when you can have two, always scared of commitment or connecting with someone too much, a fear of missing out fuels the egotistic and un-monogamous views of society.  This is my downfall in the dating scene because I literally cannot talk to multiple people at one time, someone ends up slowly getting pushed out and then all my eggs are in one basket (no pun intended).  But everyone else is doing it so why can't I figure out how to casually date till I find the one worth keeping around?  I have never been a casual person, unless it comes to my wardrobe but even then you'll find me in a ball gown for brunch on occasion.  So again I ask what's a girl gotta do? 

I'm starting to think that if I can casually date people that one has to actually end up being worth my time but how annoying that I had to waste my time with the guys who don't work out, not to mention probably share personal details of my life and what not while I was at it.  My life might end up being a real life bachelorette season.  Maybe that is exactly what a girls gotta do, open up and see what happens!  Which leads me to my next adventure, giving guys a chance, date and share my life with a few people and see if I find Prince Charming.  I think a few times I could have found him, maybe if I had tried just little harder, told him how I felt, risked a little more.  Maybe you have to risk more in life.

“Life is too damn short and [screwed] up to go through it silently loving someone and never telling them how you feel. [Screw] the consequences, [screw] the implications of the actions, to hell with it all… whatever happens as a result is better than the nothingness that is inevitable with silence.”

—	Janis Joplin  (via wordsnquotes)

Then again being single, chugging champagne, and traveling the world has been pretty great thus far.  At the end of the day I'm not going to settle for someone who thinks I'm anything less than extraordinary, better yet magical and if right now I'm the only one who see that then I would rather be single.

“This is not a girl who waits by the phone. This is a girl who picks up the phone and calls whoever she wants.”

—	BJ Novak on Mindy Kaling (via woman-rebel)

This could be forever, or it could go down in flames...(thank you Taylor for writing another song about me)

What's a darling to do?

xxx
B

Dresses, Boys, Wine, and Magic

Dress and Shoes- Kate Spade, Earrings-Jcrew

If there is one piece of advice that I could offer any girl in this world it is, buy the damn dress!  So what you have to eat like a college student for a week to afford it, or you have to give up your daily coffee run for a month...BUY THE DRESS! Carrie Bradshaw had shoes and I have dresses!  I love them all and proudly display them in the living room where I reside aka Fort Blyss (one day I will do a room tour) because they were worth every penny I spent on them.  Life is too short to not spend it in clothes that make you feel magical!  I step into one of these gems and my whole day is transformed, I could conquer the world if I was so inclined.  

Dress- Ann Taylor, Shoes- Jeffrey Campbell

This idea though about just giving in and allowing for life to be fun and exciting goes beyond the magic of a dress, while I sat here trying to write an entire post on a magical dress I realized that this post wasn't about a dress at all but about how one small thing can quite literally change your life.  Yes, for me a dress has had the power to "change my life" but it is not just about the dress.  You can't sit back and watch your life pass you by, you have to step out there and go for it.  You must dance in the puddles, kiss the boy you find charming, and sing in the car.  It is these small things that all add up and make for a rather eventful day.  

You can say that since starting my new job I have been more inclined to staying home and sleeping on my off days instead of having magically exciting days but this has slowly begun to change for me. Just in this past week I had the greatest movie date of all time with 3 of the most wonderful friends I have made, went on a fabulous shopping date and bought things to make myself feel fantastic, and instead of sleeping after a trip (the usual) I drank wine and had pool hangs (going off of 1 hour of sleep by the way).  Let me tell you, no sleep for wine will always win in my book! 

The fact of the matter is you have to buy the dress, you have to drink the wine, and you have to put yourself out there because with that comes the magic.  I know it is terrifying because you might make a fool out of yourself or someone might stare, or maybe you'll end up dancing all alone, but in the end it is worth every penny.

Dress and Bracelets- Kate Spade, Earrings-JCrew

xxx

B

Grab Your Passport and My Hand...

I am serious, lets go.

I think it is true what they say, that a life without adventures is not a life at all.  At least not for me.  So here I am passport in hand ready to see the world.  I want to dance on white sand beaches at midnight, sip a latte in paris, watch the bulls in spain, drink german beer, sit in the park bench from "the fault in our stars", street race in tokyo, and so so so much more.  I have this rare opportunity before me to see the world and immerse myself into all these different experiences and adventures, so I am running with it.  Whether it is merely a day trip to NYC or San Francisco or a quick trip to lay on the beach in Miami, an adventure is an adventure.  Why not just go?

Before today I was a much more calculated person, I had plans and when plans failed I had more plans and when that didn't work I had anxiety attacks.  I don't know when it happened but slowly I have been learning to let go and jump farther and faster into the unknown.  Just the other day I found myself in New York City at 1 am with absolutely no where to stay and after briefly contemplating sleeping in the park I figured it out and low and behold it is kinda a funny story now.  Just another adventure.  There is truly something to be said for embracing life and just having some fun, whatever that means to you.

For me fun is wandering around at 1 am in the city or drinking coffee at 8 pm with a good book or getting dressed up to go to lunch with friends and play life size jenga.  I can get down with buckets of champagne or sitting at a brewery drinking craft beer to nights turned into mornings on the Vegas strip laughing with your best friends.   It is all these moments that were once adventures that have changed my life.  So why not have more of these moments all over the country...all over the world?

I dare you to join me in an adventure and treat yourself to something out of the ordinary, out of your comfort zone, jump, run, go, travel!  Do something crazy, have insane courage for 20 seconds and surprise yourself.

please grab your passport and never look back!

see you all over the world darlings

xxx

B

Merci Beaucoup

I spent a weekend back in Chicago, and to say it was just what I needed doesn't even scratch the surface of how good this weekend was for me.  From the plane ride with my "hello handsome stranger" encounter to my last cup of coffee with my best friend, the trip was everything.  I finally gained some perspective that I so desperately needed; this life is mine to love, therefore, it will only be filled with people, places, and things that I love.

Now, my last day in the Windy City I was told by one of my favorite people that she occasionally reads this blog of mine which thrilled me immediately! However, she went on to say that one of my posts had really hit home for her and inspired her.  I was floored and could do nothing besides thank her which led to me just thanking her over and over for telling me!

I forget people read my ramblings on here and sometimes I think I'm just doing it for myself, to get whatever I need to out of my head.  It reminded me that I am actually doing something here, sometimes I can feel like nothing is happening because I'm back home where nothing ever happens. The fact of the matter is, everyday I get to sit down at my computer and write.  I get to do what I love and share that.

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you to all of you who are reading this, I hope I continue to inspire you on my crazy little journey of life.

xxx

B 

You Were Born to Fly

I should have known that "12 days of Blyss" was never going to work, I am famous for underestimating how busy I actually am and thus found myself unable to post or stay ahead of my posting schedule so I could follow through on this mission of mine.  However, the 12 days are now up and with the new year here I would like to share with you some lessons I learned last year.

1. GO.  Just leave you don't need to plan or explain.
2. Keep in touch.  The majority of my friends now are not just a quick drive away.  They are scattered all over the country.  We have to stay in touch and now its just done in hour long phone calls and random text messages. 
3. There is no shame in taking a step back.  I had to move home this year to figure out what they hell I was doing. But remember to take two steps forward after your step back.
4. When in doubt of anything watch an 80's movie.  They are filled with witty remarks, grand gestures, and the greatest love stories and the best endings.
5. Enjoy the little moments and invest in the things that make you smile.
6. No one knows what they are doing, especially in their twenties.  Anyone who tells you different is a liar.
7. Allow people to leave you.  They need to, you might not understand it but you must allow it.  
8. Keeping that last one in mind, edit your life ruthlessly.  Get rid of anything, anyone, and everything that you no longer need.  Do this often and without apology.
9. Travel.  As often as you can and as far as you can.  See the world! Realize your place in it.
10. Find yourself.  It is going to hurt like hell, it is going to bring about a lot of changes but in the end it is the greatest thing you can do for yourself.

These are just a few of the many lessons life taught me this year.  It was quite a year to say the least.  So now to kick off this new year I have come up with some resolutions.  First off I am going to learn a new language probably french because it sounds expensive.  Next I am going to embrace uncertainty, I am a girl with a plan but this year maybe a few less.  I also resolve to learn how to throw a punch, how to shot a gun, shotgun a beer, and play poker.  A girl should be able to hang with boys, drink tea with the queen and roll with the girls.  Lastly I am going to surprise myself everyday and maybe along the way do something truly incredible.  This is my year and I hope it is yours as well.

xxx

B

Pinot Noir and Murder

So it is Friday and I thought since this evening I will be enjoying copious amounts of wine and having a binge session on Netflix in my giant bed, I should spend day 3 sharing my favorite things for a night in!

First a loaded Netflix queue of movies I have never seen and TV Shows that have multiple seasons.  Next you will need a drink of choice, for me it’s Pinot Noir.  The prettier the bottle, the better! Yes I chose wine based on the bottle.  Lastly snacks, I will be heading to Target on my lunch to pick up some brie and crackers and probably a pizza, some chips, and I think I will make some queso too! 

Now that you all the essentials you need to make sure you are completely comfortable and content.  For me this means throwing on my favorite slip and a giant sweater.  So put on whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.  I like to think if I am interrupted from my evening alone I could just hop out of bed slip on cute shoes and run out the door like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City the movie.  Luckily, though, I do not plan on being interrupted.

This has become one of my favorite rituals, yes it is a ritual.  I tend to spend the week dealing with crazy people or trying to not go on feminist rants when every guy who walks in thinks it is appropriate to blurt out exactly what he is thinking, so having a night to not deal with anyone or anything has become a real luxury. 

I hope all you darlings have a fabulous Friday whatever you do, and if you find yourself spending the night as I am please fill the comments with Netflix recommendations!

XXX

B