Long List of Ex Lovers

Disclaimer:  No boys were hurt in the making of this post, ok maybe just one or two (I kid).

      I have dated every type of guy there is and loved just about as many of them.  I claim to be a cold hearted, love hating, and black soul bearing girl when it comes to romance, but truthfully I see the best in people. I have taken a flying leap of faith for guys more often than I care to admit.  With that in mind, I would like to introduce to you to my long list of ex-lovers (well some of the more memorable ones I should say).  I loved and lost and while some of them I had relationships with and some were boys I just couldn't make stick around they all have a story or better yet a song.  I hope you find my trials and tribulations an inspiration to keep kissing boys or girls or both to find your love story.  After all Taylor Swift got hers.

Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.

-Amy Poehler, Harvard Speech

Fifteen: When you are 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're going to believe them.  He was my first everything.  At 15 then 16 I thought he was it.   Baseball star and the boy who called me out on my not so black heart, the first boy I flew across a country for, and the first boy to break my heart.  From NM to FL he was my teenage love story that set the tone for years and years to come.  Back then I swore I was going to marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine.  Cause when you're 15 you give everything you have to boys who change their minds.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together:  This is just exhausting.  Everyone will date someone who you seem to constantly have in your life.  You dated, then became friends, talked about dating again, dated other people, are still friends, and then talk about dating again.  You have so much history and you've been there for each other through the best times and the worst, but eventually you wake up and realize your "relationship" is exhausting and gosh always so dramatic.  At this point, you have to just spare each others feelings and say you are never ever ever getting back together like ever.

Innocent: Every girl will at some point date a bad boy, mine was rock n roll dream.  Problem with bad boys is they are filled with trouble.  But I learned to just sit back and enjoy the music, to live with a certain amount of passion from him.  It was a brief moment shared, but I know I will always find him in certain towns on buses with bands.  Just know, your string of lights is still bright to me, Oh, who you are is not what you've been.  You're still an innocent.  It's okay, life is a tough crowd, 32, and still growin' up now, who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent. Time turns flames to embers.  You'll have new Septembers, every one of us has messed up too. Minds change like the weather I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new.

Begin Again: There I was all dressed in black staring out the window silently hoping no one would sit next to me when you stopped and asked if the seat was taken.  I took one look at you and knew this was going to be an interesting flight.  I was going to Chicago, first time back since moving and you were heading home.  You thought I was funny and said you'd never met a girl quite like me.  We talk about your soccer career and whiskey and our families like we were catching up over coffee.  You offer to get my bags for me and grab me a cab and you have no idea how nice that is.  I say goodbye and you kiss my cheek and just like that I watched it begin again.  I'd spent the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end but on that day on a plane, I watched it begin again.

Bad Blood:  You were the nice guy till you weren't.    My parents loved you, always a gentleman, held my hand, opened doors, and smiled at me like I was something more.  Smooth on TV and smooth with me.  Last time I saw you I thought we actually stood a chance.   Bandaids don't fix bullet holes, you love like that blood runs cold.  It used to be mad love so take a look, a look what you've done because baby now we got bad blood.  If you're coming my way just don't.

I’m just not interested in the things that won’t last forever.

-	John Mayer ( Interview: ‘Recovered Ego Addict’)

Clean:  You told my best friend you were in love with me so I took a chance on the boy who was supposed to be "the nice guy", it was snowing and I realized I was falling, then it was spring and I was sure of you.  You never let me hold the umbrella because when I did you ended up wet, I taught you that cerulean was a color and danced around your bedroom to Fleetwood Mac.  Summer came with one sided I love you's but with fireworks in July came hope with your arms wrapped around me and the pictures to prove it, until August when you said goodbye.  It was months and months of back and forth, you were all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore.  Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky, turned black like a perfect storm.  10 months sober I must admit just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it.  

Dear John/ Wonderland:  Flashing lights and we took a wrong turn and we fell down a rabbit hole.  You held on tight to me because nothing is as it seems.  We found wonderland you and I got lost in it and life was never worse but never better.  I reached for you, but you were gone.  You search the world for something else that makes you feel like what we had, and in the end in Wonderland we both went mad.  It was the first day of my new life when you introduced yourself to me, then the next day you surprised me by remembering me.  Weeks passed with quick hellos and I never would've thought that a month later I would be making you fall in love with New York.  Serendipity, kisses on street corners, eating our way through NYC and conversations about everything we wanted out of life.  I showed you all the places that inspired me and little did you know you'd inspire me too.  I finally thought I had got it right.  I will miss our conversations and hell I'll miss you.  You call yourself a monster, but I know deep down you're just scared to try.  I should've listened to your warnings, should've never given you too much time, but I saw how good, good could be and ignored all the warning signs.  And you'll add my name to the long list of others who just don't understand and I'll look back and regret not listening when they said run as fast as you can.  You are an expert at "sorry" and keeping lines blurry.  (I'll see you in an airport someday)

You will kiss hundreds of frogs, you will cry millions of tears, and you will have thousands of adventures in the search of love.  Fight for love and love all the stupid boys even if just for a minute.  I promise you every jerk who breaks your heart will teach you a lesson about yourself and while you might lose the boy, I hope you find yourself, and I hope that just like for me that somehow that is everything.

If you gotta force it, just leave it alone. Relationships, friendships, ponytails.. Just leave it.

-Reyna Biddy xxx B

Thank you, Taylor Swift,  for writing exactly what all of us girls think and feel!

Becoming Elle Woods

Do you think she woke up one morning and said "I think today I'll go to Law School"?

Yes that is exactly what happened, sort of...

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good argument.  I will even try to make a bad argument a good one at times.  If you again find yourself in the small circle of people who know me you know that my degree is in fashion merchandising.  Now regardless of whether or not you know me you have put together the pieces that yes I am a living version of Elle Woods or at least I am hoping to be.  My whole life I have been told that I would make an incredible lawyer.  So why not see if what everyone thinks is true.  But don't get me wrong I love fashion, I do and if I can spend the rest of my life immersed in it and doing something fabulous I will die happy but I have learned the world is a big scary place and why not have education on your side and why not have a degree in something you are already really good at...

I mean "What? Like it's hard?"

Ok Elle got it wrong, its going to be absurdly hard!  And believe me I will probably be taking the LSAT in 4" heels and my study sessions will involve lots of Starbucks, the only thing missing is the sorority house to make my studying a team effort.  And with my visits to salon lately helping me get back to the blonde I once loved it seems fitting to take a Legally Blonde approach.  But since opening my first study guide I have quickly realized maybe I am not so good at this whole law school thing.  This realization has only fueled my desire to take the test though and score really fucking high because if I'm going to commit I'm going to really commit.  Which means there very well might be scented paper involved and a video essay involving a hot tub and sparkling bikini.

So let the studying begin, because when I score over a 160 I am going to have some big decisions to make and Ivy Leagues to impress.  Then I will be ready to change the world one case at a time all while killin it in Manolo's and Prada (not last seasons)

xxx
B

COMMITMENT: one word with a huge meaning

Photo Credit: Tumblr 

Well I signed a one year lease on my little apartment in the Chicago Gold Coast.  I spent weeks looking for other places to live and working out all the details on paper but I decided my first apartment will stay my first apartment for the next year.  I will experience all the summer festivities and the horrible winter here.  Luckily my 15th floor studio is a block from my new (second) job at Kate Spade.  Which side bar I am very excited to start because filling my days with beautiful things from a brand I adore is going to be exciting.  But back to commitment...I am officially staying in Chicago, not that I was planning on leaving after my sublet ended but it is all very, and I mean very real now.  It is also extremely exciting, like I have spent the day making my apartment really feel like home, and making sure it is everything I could want in my first apartment!

My whole life commitment has been a slight issue, I either jump in head first with no thought or I detail everything that could happen good or bad.  I lean towards planning extensively and making sure there is really nothing that could go wrong.  And typically I go with the safe option and have several backup plans.  This time I just went with my gut and let's be honest a lot can go wrong in this situation.  I have chosen to let go of all the what ifs I have managed to dream up and jump head first with my fingers crossed which I think is something people should do more often.

When you think about it making a commitment is really more exciting than it is scary.  So what if things go wrong, really, really wrong? You learned something didn't you.  The best example of this is falling in love, you can't be scared of loving someone because you could miss out on the best times of your life, you could let the best thing that has ever happened to you slip out of your fingers based on fear.  I love Chicago and yes she could royally fuck me six ways to sunday but I bet that sunday will still be my favorite day of the week.  You can't control life you just have to allow yourself to commit especially in matters where your heart flutters and learn as you go!



So here's to Chicago the biggest commitment I have made for now, come visit!

xxx
B

Photo Credit: Tumblr