I've Moved

I made the executive decision to switch platforms and now can be found at Chasing Blyss.  This next chapter called for a new design and some changes in how I want to tell my story.  All my old content has been moved over and all new content will be posted there! Come check it out and let me know what you think

xxx
B

Thoughts From 35,000 ft: Bombs and Plane Crashes

When I first started this job the first question I would be asked about my job would always be, "Is it so much fun?" but the second question was almost always "Aren't you scared?".  No, is my standard response because to be honest I never really have been.  They say you are more likely to die crossing the street than on a plane.  But, now I know why people ask...because of today's incident in Brussels, because of 9/11, and because terrorism is rampant all over the world and it's proven that using planes to create mass panic works.

Sure I have thought about how I could die on a plane, I know that given 2 minutes there are a handful of people I would text, but I don't think about it every time I step onto an aircraft.   I don't know if I could do my job if every time I got on a plane I considered what I would say in a goodbye text to my parents, my brother, my best friends, and the select other few people who fall in the "given the opportunity I need to say goodbye" list.  I have never been good at saying goodbye to begin with so if I was starting every day contemplating what I would say, I would be a wreck the entire day!

Every human being, including you, is born with the potential to be and do more than anybody in this world. You were born to have an impact on somebody, just like every single breathing soul on this earth.

—  James & Allie

I do consider terrorist attacks all the time though.  But it seems like fluke plane crashes are more common than a hijacked aircraft or planted bomb these days.  I am trained to notice every person who walks on board my flight.  Determine who could help in an emergency, who might need extra help in a situation, and notice any suspicious characters.  I have seen every plane crash, I remember 9/11, I have read all those articles, and watched all the movies, not to mention heard all the stories of incidents from people I have worked with.  I think this is why I think about it so much.  It is a constant topic of conversation.  I know that the aviation industry is one of the largest targets for terrorist organizations so I have to consider it with all the violence our world is enduring at the hands of terrorists.  

This morning when I so happened to be awake at 3 am when news of the Brussels attack hit media, my first thought was holy shit it's happening again.  I then thought about everyone I know who works our international flights and accounted for where they might be to rule out Brussels.  I then started reading all the articles and watching the videos.  I myself was supposed to be walking out the door to go meet a friend in Florida but I was glued to my couch.  I had woken up 30 minutes earlier and decided not to go then heard of what had happened.  I realized all I could do was write.  I sit here writing this and watching planes land and my heart gets a certain tug at every descending plane.

So far 21 people have been killed in Brussels, 2,977 people died on 9/11,  224 people died on the Russian charter flight back in October.  These are just 3 incidents, but when you look at a timeline of events, it has been going on since 1933 and several plots have been foiled, such as the infamous "shoe bomber".  While recently in NYC I went to the 9/11 memorial, being a flight attendant I knew it would touch me a little differently than if I hadn't chosen this career.  I did't know that the first names I would come across would be cabin crew, I didn't expect it to move me to tears, and I didn't expect to just want to sit there and soak it all in.  I stood there starting at the names of the Flight 11 cabin crew thinking I hope I never know anyone who dies like this.  Writing this breaks my heart all over again because some my favorite people in the whole world now are cabin crew like me.  You never think it will be you or anyone you know till it is.

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world"

-Dead Poets Society

I just hate that I live in a world filled with so much hate and violence.  I hate that it seems like nothing is being done to make it stop.  I hate that it could be me or someone I know who ends up in an airport or on a plane that is used as a weapon of mass destruction.  What I don't hate is my job.  I refuse to let some horrible, awful person make me feel scared when I haven't before.  I won't stop getting up, putting on my wings, and welcoming people aboard my flights.  I guess the point is that this world we live in is messy and violent and at times it's heartbreaking.  We have a choice though, to be scared and let that fear consume us or we can stand together affected by what happened but determined to effect change.  We have to make this world a safer place, we have to stand up, we have to fight.  As a flight attendant I bow my head to all those people who lost their lives, to the people who lost someone, and to all of those who are scared.  My heart is with Brussels but my mind is desperately trying to find a way to change the world.

xxx
your favorite flight attendant
B

A Lesson in Romantics

When the Boeing 777 landed on the runway in Paris, I took a deep breath and laughed because my dream of wandering the streets of Paris had just come true.  Yes I always thought my first trip would be as someones fancy and broke assistant tagging along to fashion week, but here I was with my best friend in the seat next to me, and I thought, "I have arrived".  I needed this moment so much more than I thought I had.  I needed this great escape.  I pictured myself living here from the moment we stepped off the plane.  Every building we passed could be my potential new flat, observing the locals thinking I might know them one day and trying my best to not look like a tourist because for too long I had admired the french and would hate for them to hate me.  I had no makeup on, besides the bright red lipstick that every Parisienne has and my bitch face had been perfected.  They would love me here!

As I write this I am cup number 3 of coffee and I know they would be proud.  I had coffee with every meal...meals took over an hour and it was great.  In this magically place I was the happiest I had felt in months.  This new year had brought me a lot more tears than I had imagined and I needed to feel like my old self, until that moment I hadn't been sure how to get back to there.  They say if you are going to be sad, be sad in Paris.

Our hotel was situated right in the Champs Elysees.  This meant we were surrounded by it all, the Arc de Triomphe  was a block away, all the designer shopping you could want steps away, delightful cafes on every corner, and our hotel was the most charming place we could've ever asked for (way to go Hotels Tonight).  As we made our way through the city we stopped in a cafe for breakfast and indulged in cafe au lait with a chocolate croissant.  Then headed towards the Louvre, stopping in museums, taking pictures of everything we laid our eyes on and eventually stopping in a little cafe built from floor to ceiling windows smack dab in the middle of the Jardin de Tuilerie.  We sat there for about two hours sipping coffee, talking about why the french hate americans so much and observing all the other people in the restaurant.  We ended our meal with the most delicious Nutella crepe we could have ever imagined.  My camera couldn't capture the beauty that is the Louvre.  I tried to photograph every inch and angle but not a single picture did it justice.  This is a place you couldn't photograph you had to just experience it for yourself.  We wandered through the exhibits, climbing countless numbers of stairs and admiring every piece of art, every sculpture and even the staircases and rooms themselves.  Of course we found the Mona Lisa, marveled at the marble statues, but for me the most glorious of the exhibits was the recreation of Napoleon's apartment.  It was like touring a mini Versailles.  The glitz, the gold, the extravagance...it made me wonder why no one decorates like that anymore.  The chandeliers alone made me envious that I didn't get to experience that time period for myself.  Not to mention I probably could've been married off to a prince and had my own estate filled with this kind of glamour.  As the sun began to set, the lights began to turn on and the museum took on a completely different lighting than it had before when the lighting was au natural and dimmed due to the grey skies that had been present all day.  As we worked our way back towards the front we came across a Stars Wars exhibit and that was fabulous...I mean Darth Vader in the Louvre!  We didn't get to see everything that this extravagant palace of art had to offer but we got a taste that left me wanting to come back and spend an entire day there just marveling at the art and maybe I would have a prince fall in love with me while I gazed the way Blair Waldorf did in Gossip Girl (a girl can dream, especially in Paris).  

Being that I am severely addicted to the finer things in life, we couldn't leave paris without getting Laduree.  We walked down the most quintessentially Parisienne street lined with fabulous shops and tiny cafes to find ourselves staring into the pastel lined windows of the world renowned macaron shop.  We stepped inside and I knew it was meant to be because they had special edition Alice in Wonderland boxes, so I immediately began filling those little boxes with pieces of heaven.  After leaving what might be the second happiest place on earth we headed towards the Eiffel Tower to watch it sparkle.  And watch it sparkle we did!  It glittered and gleamed and it was the perfect way to end our stay in this magical place.

I figured at some point during this trip I would feel lonely, being that we were in the most romantic place on earth and knowing just how single I was.  Funny thing though, not once did I feel this way.  Not once did I wish I was there with a boy instead of my best friend.  I realized for the first time in maybe forever I was happy with who I was, alone and all.  I was in love, with me!  I found the girl I was looking for among the architecture, and the coffee, and the art.  And somewhere between that first cup and the last I was happy again.

That next morning we grabbed our bags and stepped outside, I felt sad to be leaving.  Breathing in that cold crisp air , walking those cobbled streets, taking in all the art and architecture and fashion was everything I needed.  It brought me back to life.  For a brief moment, before I stepped into our cab, I thought of never coming back to the states.  Just leaving it all behind and living the rest of my life with a swipe of red lipstick and my hunter boots.  But I got in the cab and said goodbye, but not forever.  Sometimes all you need is a little magic in life and an escape route.  Paris I love you and I will see you soon.

xxx

B

Thoughts from 35,000 ft: It Is So Damn Glamorous Up Here

I know I have been slacking the past few weeks on posting but specifically on posting these weekly posts that I promised all you faithful followers!  For that I am forever sorry.  Between Paris, the jet lag from Paris and then the trip I just got off of I have been preoccupied.  But I am back!  Back with lots of thoughts as well!

These past 4 days I have been earning my premium pay slaving in first class.  I'm just kidding, I actually like working first class because you are hardly ever bored.  People expect you to cater to their every whim so they will run you ragged by the end of the day.  That is fine though because with all the catering comes the stories and rampant thoughts.

As my trip came to end, I only had to work one flight home, a 4 hour flight but regardless just one!  This is the holy grail of flying for me!  I hardly ever get off that easy but when I do I am a happy flight attendant.  I finished my meal service and finally sat down for a second to eat my lunch and take a breath.  As I sat there eating my cranberry and mandarin orange salad off a plastic tray, I thought I wonder if those fabulous Pan Am girls did this back in the day.  Here I was curtain drawn in the galley sitting on a box, eating off a plastic tray, shoes off, feet on a hot water bottle because they were getting frostbite and killing me.  After 4 days I was not this glamorous barbie doll traveling the friendly skies and being fabulous but rather an exhausted, sleep deprived hot mess trying to hide that behind concealer and lipstick.  But is it ever glamorous....NO.  Our job has been listed as NUMBER 3 on several "Jobs Most Detrimental to Your Health" lists.  Nothing that high up on the list could be considered glamorous too!

Let me let you in on all that is not glamorous about our "glamorous" career:

1. Beauty sleep is not a real thing because some of our hotels feature green carpet and come with horror stories of bugs and mice.  This means you carry all your luggage into the room hoping it doesn't touch the floor, then you put on socks to walk around the green carpet which you will later throw away just in case! Right before you jump into bed trying not to touch the comforter.
2. We spend way too much money on face creams, sleeping pills and coffee just to survive the sometimes 4 hours of sleep.
3. That red lipstick I flaunt has been all over my face at some point in the day which means makeup touch ups in the bathroom before, during and after flights.  And god luck getting it off once in your hotel room!  May the odds be ever in your favor.
4. Since I am only a year deep into this mess I usually fly with "senior" flight attendants some want to love you and keep you from being bitter and some want to ruin your life for the duration of the flight so good luck smiling through a 12 hour duty day when Nancy keeps making your announcements, being rude to passengers and telling you how it was in the good ole days before all the mergers.
5. When you are working in First Class, you will serve meals on plastic trays that make the whole set up look cheap but the passengers are expecting a meal worthy of a Michelin star.  Surprise I just heated up your meal in the "oven" and who knows how long it was on this cart before I did that.
6.  Everyone thinks that I get to go to Hawaii every week and everytime I complain about my job someone chimes in "well sometimes times you go to Hawaii so it really can't be that bad"...one time actually, and two times my parents took me to Hawaii for free too so actually shut up because I have spent the past 6 months with 8 hour layovers (enough time to sleep for 4-5 hours then do it all over again) in freezing cold Minnesota, scariest hotel ever Reno, and a number of other mundane places and the cool places I never actually get time to see because the layover is too short or my hotel is in another city all together.  For example the Chicago long layover is next  to some mall 2 hours north of the city!
7.  On the note of traveling, yes I travel for free but only when there are open seats on a flight and only when my schedule permits so that awesome Paris trip I took is not attainable every month but you're right I travel for free so that's all that matters
8.  People make comments like "flying is so not what it used to be" to which I want to counter, neither is the caliber of people who travel, as that passenger walks barefoot into the bathroom with their barefoot child.  My point here is that the people on planes are not as glamorous as they used to be either. 
9.  Let's talk about the polyester-wool blend we also call a flame resistant uniform! Not only do you sweat walking the 5 miles from your car in the employee parking lot to the train you take to the airport, but then you burn up on the plane that isn't cooled because its 110 in Phoenix and  you have to set up your galley which is a workout! All this gross fabric making us sweat all so we don't go up in flames, well we are required to wear pantyhose which will adhere to our skin if we have to slide down the escape slide!
10.  On the note of painful things, we spend up to 14-16 hours a day on airplanes.  Want to know what that does to our skin?  Drys it out, breaks it out and forces us to pray to the skin gods if we weren't genetically blessed with amazing genes (I was not blessed).
11. Our sleeping schedules are unreal as well...going to sleep after a red-eye, waking up at 3am on the east coast when your base time is 3 hours behind that.  All-nighters where you get 3 hours of sleep before your next van time (that is 3 hours if you sleep in your uniform with your makeup on).  And don't forget when you get minimum rest every night with maximum working days.
12. Thank god we no longer have to face weekly weigh ins because, we eat most of our meals in airports or on the plane.  We gain weight and lose weight and do it all over again.  All that fast food is bad for your skin too but so is not eating because you didn't have time to pack food then never had time to get off the plane and get something.
13. Lastly, if you are on Reserve like I am, crew scheduling will call you whenever they want.  We are on call everyday (except our off days) for 12 hours to 24 hours.  They will call you at 2am when you just dozed off, they will call you when you're on your second jam singing in the shower, they will call you while you are in yoga.  If they want you they will call and you are required to answer no matter what!  So we sleep with our phones on loud, set to the most annoying ringtone, and pray we get through the night before our number is up.

Basically the only thing glamorous about flight attendant life is our ability to be glamorous on our own and the vacations we take on our days off!  But, hey, I am still going to do my hair and put on red lipstick and smile for the masses and maybe one day we can make those Pan Am girls from back in the day proud.  Until then I'll be serving you cheap wine and lukewarm nuts. See you at 35,000!

xxx

B

Valentines Schmalentines

So about a month ago I made this amazing playlist (at least in my opinion) after a phone a call where the person I was talking to exclaimed "This is my jam, FUCK EVERYONE IN LOVE".  I busted out my computer and complied a list of songs for that exact state of mind and now I am sharing it with all of you!  After jamming it in my car for about a week straight I decided to make it a counterpart, the playlist for those in love.  Should you find yourself head over heels or pretending like this holiday doesn't exist (I'm right there with you) these playlists will have you singing along.

(Unfortunately Spotify doesn't have TSwift, otherwise Almost Do and I Wish You Would, would be included and Shake It Off, Bad Blood, and WANGBT)

xxx

B

Thoughts From 35,000: Tales From my Exit Row

I just got home from a trip and on this particular trip I had to work on our "big" plane...its not actually that big of a plane in comparison to others in our fleet.  The position I was working meant that I got to sit in that awkward jumpsuit in the exit row facing the passengers sitting in that row, which will usually illicit conversation or a staring competition followed by staring out the window.  Today I got both.  Grab your alcohol and let's do this!

Mr. and Mrs. Upgrade:  This couple boarded my plane as if they were movie stars and grumbled as they passed through first class and took their seats in the exit row.  Once boarding was finished they tried to peer from their seats to see anything open in first.  I can't judge because I have done it too however, when the gate agent walked back and upgraded 2 passengers that were not them, they immediately decided we were the worst airline ever! How dare we!  They sat in silence the entire flight all 4 hours of it.  Upon landing the person sitting next to them asked why they were in phoenix, they responded for the Phoenix Open.  The look on their faces when he called it the "wasted management open" was priceless (she was not impressed more offended and her husband was mad that someone let her in on what he got her into).  I wanted to comment that they were attending the drunkest golf tournament there is not Wimbledon, but I kept my pretty mouth shut and told them to have fun!

The Traveler and The Lady Boss:  Sitting right next to my jumpsuit were two women who until this fateful moment had never met!  I could tell this is where they usually sat because when I walked over all of their bags were neatly placed under the seat.  This is usually a conversation I have to have with all the passengers sitting there (you do have to put them on the floor and under the seat, the couple previously mentioned didn't like that either).  They were immediately engrossed in quick conversation, first the usually who are you and where do you come from but it evolved into a highly fascinating conversation.  One was smitten with Paris and shared all her stories about the city of lights and how she's become fearless about traveling all over the world.  The other woman shared her stories of starting her own chocolate business (you know I was really interested in eavesdropping on that conversation).  Her chocolates are made unlike any others and because of that they have a very earthy taste to them and are not all that bad for you!  I walked away from that conversation dreaming of Paris at the end of the month and of eating tons and tons of chocolate, which reminds me I need to find her store!  These were some seriously inspiring women!

The Engaged:  If you have ever flown into Charlotte you know that you land and then you practically drive across state lines to actually get to the gates so while we drove to the airport the two men in my exit row began to chat about life.  Come to find out the young man in the aisle was recently engaged.  He started telling the already married gentleman in the window about how he did it and how freaking nervous he was.  The gentleman told him that was how he knew it was right, nervousness and being scared is ok, his son had just gotten engaged as well and felt the exact same way.  AMEN.  I listened and smiled all the way to gate about proposals, wedding plans, and their lives.

Pilot 1 and Pilot 2:  Sometimes you end up with people on your plane who will share their whole story with you, who you end up having real conversations with knowing when the flight ends you will never cross paths again.  This happened with Pilot 1&2 that night.  Immediately the one who was sharing leg room with me asked about my trip and where else we had to go that night, the usual small talk between two people in the same line of work.  The somehow we started talking about our dreams and what we wanted out of life.  He was working for our regional carrier but planning on making the jump to main line in the near future.  He lived in Charolette, bought a house and learned how to be a grown-up over the years.  Now he speaks to new pilots and teaches in his off time.  I told him about my love for the law and he urged me to go to law school, Harvard has online classes now right?  Pilot 2 talked about his family and pilot life on reserve and how to have a life and love your job in this line of work.  We laughed and chatted about everything and nothing.  They grabbed their bags and Pilot 1 parting words were go out and see the world, have fun, then do whatever you want, best of luck!

Like I said in my first post in this series I get to meet all these people everyday, some I talk about with admiration and some I talk about with disgust.  You never meet the same person with the same story twice though.  Till next week!

xxx
B

Thoughts from 35,000: Chapter 1

It occurred to me that I have a kind of special opportunity, being a flight attendant I encounter all these crazy things all day long.  I have hundreds of ridiculous thoughts and stories just from one day on a plane, so why not share all the crazy with you all?  This is the first post in a series that I will post weekly!  Welcome to my world!

As I write this I am 3 hours into a 4-½ hour flight from Charlotte to Phoenix.  The truth is, this is a routine flight for me; I have been on this flight more times than I can count and it is by no means the longest flight I have been on.  This isn’t about the length of the flights though this is about the things that cross my mind while on a plane.  My time is mostly spent working and that is when the most ridiculous of thoughts seem to pop into my head because I swear people turn into their alter egos on airplanes.  Today though I am not working I am merely a passenger.

"Travel is not reward for working, it’s education for living."

I have also probably written my most emotional text messages or blog posts (some never sent or posted) while flying.  This is probably because it is true what they say, “airports and airplanes see the most sincere tears, hellos, goodbyes, and kisses”.  This makes anyone with a heart feel something, and while I have a black heart, I do still catch the feelings occasionally.   When this happens I take out my cell phone and I type.  Once again the writer in me wins.  A few of you reading this have been on the receiving end of one of these messages, it probably started with “so I was flying” or “nothing like a plane ride…” I then proceeded to be emotionally slutty, as Carrie Bradshaw would put it!  Or I just got weird on you out of nowhere and eventually admit that I am either on a plane or smack in the middle of a 4-day trip. 

Here’s the thing, planes bring out the best and worst in people.  I have watched doctors, nurses and EMTs jump to their feet and help me in a medical emergency, I have watched people cry in the window seat hoping no one can see them, I have watched military men and women come on board and tell me they don’t know when they will be back.  Then there are the people yelling at you because their bag won’t fit in an overhead, yelling because you don’t have free snacks, threatening to get you fired because you don’t have a place to hang their parka on the way to Miami.  I can meet around 500 people in a day and all of them have a story.   These people that I meet and their stories are what lead to all my thoughts!

So the thoughts ensue: (these are typed how I would be thinking them to myself):

•           That couple in first class 1A and 1C is who I want to be with my future husband, how did they get here?  Were there fights? Did it take a few tries before the timing was right? Will I find my person?  I think I found my person.  Ok now I am crazy.  Geez they are great
•       Dear god, why on earth do you not have shoes on, no please don’t…really you are going into that filthy bathroom without shoes on! I am judging you so hard.
•       Passenger “where is the bar on this plane, like in the commercial with that hot blonde girl”.  Hmmm I have been wondering that same thing sir since I started working here.  Where is the bar and where are the showers and all those other things that hot blonde girl gets.
•       Same passenger from above “if you get bored miss you can come sit next to me and I’ll keep you company”.  Oh is that so, well unfortunately I would rather entertain myself by coloring, drinking water, eating snacks, or just downright being bored.
•       Passenger “are we going to __blank__” no mam we are going to Antarctica, hope you packed a coat
•       Why don’t people read real books anymore?  Maybe it makes them sick on planes, it makes me want die while flying personally.
•       Do people really think yelling “MISS” at me will make me want to get them that 5^th Jack and Coke?  Why is it always the people drinking Jack and Coke?
•       Is it bad that my unaccompanied minor and I are reading the same book?
•       If you cant lift your bag what makes you think I can? I am not Captain America despite popular belief.  I consider cardio walking up and down this aisle collecting your absurd amounts of trash.
•       How is so much trash accumulated on a plane?
•      Why did no one consult a flight attendant before they made this hunk of metal?
•       Do people really think the seatbelt sign is just on because the captain forgot to turn it off?
•          Is it bad that all I have eaten on this trip has originated from this airplane?
•       Why is your child climbing on the seats, don't you value his life?
•       How much longer?

Traveling – it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.

—  Ibn Battuta 

Sometimes while flying I get to meet someone and really have a conversation with them, maybe just quick and meaningless but every once and awhile a customer will share a piece of themselves with you and today was a day I got a good story.  I am in uniform so it is safe to say the guy sitting next to me will want to chat, he asks if I am headed home or to work.  Home I say, just finished working.  I ask if he was in Charlotte for the Cardinals game (everyone on this plane was there for that game, the people in first class are currently all talking about it collectively).  He isn't, he is heading to phoenix for work a trip he makes quite often.  Towards the end of the flight we have both finished watching movies and I take out my computer to write and he takes out his to work.  He sees me typing this and asks if I am writing a book, no, I laugh, just a blog.  He asks for the link and I say sorry, I don't give it out to passengers but if you ever find it I hope you like it!  I find out he has pilot friends and has done incredible mission work.  We talk about my want to join the peace corp and his adopted daughter from Kurdistan.  These are the stories that make my job incredible.  And then just like that I hear "flight attendants prepare for landing".  Just like that it is all over with, I will never see these people again, these people with all their stories.   I grab my bags to head home I say it was a pleasure meeting you and I leave.  I will never see him again but he has undoubtedly reignited my fire to change the world in a way.  There is something kind of amazing about the fact that I will do this all over again tomorrow, 500 more people!

xxx

B

Single Girls Guide: single for 18 months a recap.

 When we started this journey I was newly single embarking on the Taylor Swift 18 months of being single adventure!  It was nothing if not an adventure.  I spent 18 months being single, in those months I met maybe 1 gentleman worthy of an honorable mention but I've remained single. I am still single as I write this and I can honestly say I am happy.  I have discovered what I love, what I hate, what I need, what I want and what I absolutely will not tolerate.  Not only from men in my life but from people in general.

First things first lets talk about how 18 months of singleness really went down.  Well my last relationship began when I moved to Chicago (omg that seems like years and years ago).  He was the "nice-guy" and when it inevitably fell apart, I was shocked and all of a sudden had no sense of what I was doing.  Queue my crying in the rain and moving home cinematic moment.  I knew I needed to really re-evaluate my life at this point because, who was I letting a boy make me cry, that was not me and I needed to get a grip.  I decided that since Swift landed a hot DJ after 18 months of "losing the boy but finding herself" that it was clearly the recipe I needed.  I ran home and straight into the arms of another boy.  After 2 failed attempts at casual dating (we know nothing I do is ever casual) I finally embraced my singleness and started to revel in it.  This was 5 months into my 18 and I became a flight attendant because why not put my ability to run from everything to good use.  I decide to screw law school and travel the world. (I have not traveled the world in my 10 months of this shit, but I do travel which is ok I guess).  This made being single really easy because I never know where I am going or what I am doing and if I lead with that when I meet a boy he quickly leaves the scene.  I can't blame them, but I was learning what I did and did not want with every failed first date or conversations that never turned into a date.  I could go on a million first dates and never feel the need to call them or text them again.  I was making myself happy and never stopping to ask if it was ok.  I stopped questioning if I was pretty enough, or if I should lose 10 pounds, or if "he" liked me.  This was everything.

So that all sounds amazing right?  Wow I became the coolest single girl I know now, and I am like really good at it and am super empowered, because who needs boyfriends right?  Not so fast!

I would be lying if I said this was just an amazing journey that wasn't shitty at all.  It had some really bad moments, mostly because I made being lonely my job and then decided to not let anyone into my life because if I was going to be single that meant keeping everyone at arms length.  Then there were the couple of times I found myself really liking someone and wanting it to work but it just wasn't going to.  I was not always the best at being single.  I don't think that being single is always the easiest either.  And in this crusade I probably hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.  I hate when people disappear on me but looking back no one has ever done it quite as well as I do.  Not that I am proud of my skill set but I think acknowledging you are a hypocrite is a huge step towards growing up and learning how not to treat people.  Which I have learned!

Something happened though, I recently said the greatest thing I did all year was let someone into my dark and twisty life and I stand by that statement.  I would now like to tell you that it ended as quickly as it started.  So do I regret it?  The girl I was 18 months ago would've, and I would be lying again if I said when it all went down that I didn't scream on the phone to my mom that I could've prevented the whole thing, because I did.  The difference in who I was then and who I have become, I screamed and got it all out then came to the realization that it was ok.  I did the right thing, I said fuck it and let life happen.  I made my peace with it and came to understand that sometimes people walk out of your life with no explanation.  This is how I know that I found myself, at least a part of myself in this messy mission.  You should close your eyes and say fuck it more often.  At the end of the day I became the girl who can tell you how she feels then let you go.  I don't need answers anymore, quite frankly I get it, because I have been the person begging for space and walking away without any explanations more times than I can count.  18 months ago I was not this girl.

"Not everything can be explained. Nor does it need to be."
-Someone really smart once said that

As for what I have decided I want, need, and won't stand for.  That is a whole other post that I promise I will write.  For now though, I value honesty above all else and the ability to communicate.  I have grown up exponentially over the past year or so and in doing so I believe everything can be solved with a conversation.  It might be a hard conversation but I would rather have brutal honesty than lies.  I need a partner in crime and someone who shows up at the end of the day to listen to all the weird shit that happens to me on a daily basis.  Easy enough right?

Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.

—	J.K. Rowling

This is where I am going to tell you that if you ever needed a sign, a sign to push you that this is your sign because what I really want you all to know at the end of this crusade is...it doesn't fucking matter one bit.  Who cares how long you are single, I might be single for the rest of my life, I am not worrying about it and neither should you.  With that if you love someone you better tell them, don't waste one minute trying to be the cool single girl if you think that you have found your person.  I believe in 80's movie style grand gestures so go out there and get your person.  Stop worrying about what people think, or caring too much, or being rejected.  If the worst thing happens I promise you it is not really the worst thing.  Stop running, from yourself and from everyone who cares about you.  Yeah sometimes you need some space and some time but everyday you put more space between you and the people who really matter and one day you will wake up with miles between you and no more time.  This life we are given is too short so be single, be in love, just pursue whatever it is that makes you feel something!  In 18 months that is what being alone has really taught me!

18 months ago I lost a boy.  In the past 18 months I have come to understand that I will lose a lot of people and a lot of things in this life but no matter what happens I will be just fine.

xxx
B

Art of Communication

I recently read an article in Elle that talked about what happened when a girl gave up her iPhone for 2 weeks.  Yes, a whole two weeks!  I quickly began to think about what would happen if I gave up my phone.  It will come as no surprise that my first concern was not having Siri to tell me how to get where I was going.  I am hands down the most directionally challenged person I know.  Next, would people think I was ignoring them?  Would I feel completely disconnected from the world?  What would I do throughout the day if I couldn't text 24/7 or check social media every free second I have? The truth is though the only thing my phone absolutely has to do is ring when scheduling calls me at whatever ungodly hour they decide to call.  Which means I could ditch my phone for a burner in a heartbeat.  So why wasn't I heading to the nearest store?

Well to answer that question honestly, I am one of those people who is attached to her phone.  I almost bought a Blackberry a la Sarah Jessica Parker (I am constantly channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw) but I didn't because I would have to give up Instagram and Tumblr.  Yes, that was the deciding factor!    Writing this I realize how awful that is, to be so attached to something that has no meaning in the grander scheme of things.  My brother gets more likes than me on his Instagram pictures anyways.  At this point my wheels were turning about how I could lessen the amount of time I spend on my phone.  What could I get accomplished if I wasn't constantly distracted by my phone?  I could devote more time to writing, I could read books faster, I could just generally be more aware of my life and how I'm spending my time.  Then I had a very honest conversation with someone whose thoughts and opinions I have come to hold highly.  We were talking about how the amount of time we spend texting all day long every single day could become a bad thing really fast.  We love talking to each other but did we really need to spend all day long going back and forth? No we didn't!  I liked getting my "good morning" texts but we could easily give each other some space throughout the day.  You know what happened when we decided to take a step back...when we talked at the end of the day we got to actually tell each other about our days!  What a concept!  It was amazing!  So this is what freedom feels like I thought.  It was amazing how much I got accomplished and how efficiently I did so.  I wasn't pausing to text someone or check my Instagram throughout the day so I was just getting stuff done.  This post was nearly finished when I decided to write a letter I had been meaning to write and then headed to Barnes and Noble.  I spent a few hours just reading and browsing every section and not once did I stop to look at my phone.  I still have a long way to go before I have perfected how I use my phone now but today I found out how great it is to step away from it all!

Here is how I plan to change my approach to my cellphone:

1. I decided my first step should be getting rid of loud dings and bells and vibrations for text messages.  From now on my text messages are truly silent.  Throughout the day I will check my messages the way I check my emails, occasionally.
2. No more wasteful texting..."I'm on my way" "ok", anything involving one word or something that contributes absolutely nothing to a conversation.
3. No more phones at the table, the saddest thing I have seen is people sharing a meal and spending their time on their phones.  
4. I also moved all my apps that are at all related to social media away from the home screen so that I have to search for them to use them.  
5. I am going to make time to call people to catch up with them, make plans with them and spend more time having real conversations that don't involve hours of texting back and forth.
6. No more sleeping with my phone.  When I go to bed it will get put on the nightstand so I can grab it if scheduling calls but won't feel the need to check it throughout the night.

A part of me wishes I could go back to when my phone didn't have texting and people had to call me but since I don't see all my friends and family giving up their phones anytime soon I'll settle for my mini changes! I'm really excited that my phone battery is going to start lasting a lot longer which will be amazing since I can never seem to keep it from dying daily.  Not to mention I will have so much more to say when I talk to people, making the time so much more valuable!  I am really excited to not feel like I have to be constantly connected.  I dare you to try to step away from your phone and spend more time genuinely involved in living your life.

xxx

B

Welcome to a New Year

(disclaimer: This was written to Taylor Swift and Adele lyrics, my apologies for the honesty and length)

It has been a year of incredible growth...

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.

—	Judith McNaught, Remember When

I started writing this post weeks ago and just hadn't found the inspiration needed to actually write it.  I deleted nearly the entire thing 3 times but the one thing that remained through every edit was that first line..."it has been a year of incredible growth".

I knew I needed to get out of my own head to get it all out and the next thing I knew crew scheduling was sending me on  4 day trip with my first layover being the beaches of Puerto Vallarta.  Sitting on my balcony, pen and paper it all started spilling out.  I listened to the waves crash and just let all my thoughts come full circle.  They say to know a writer is the greatest thing you can do because you'll never die.  Now I understand that because my memories of last year all came back vividly, everyone involved in them included.  I scribbled it all down and now with my headphones in, coffee next to my computer and my phone on do not disturb I share it with you.

I began my year having no clue what I wanted out of life and I ended it knowing exactly what I want and who I am and who I want to be!

I want to do things for people they will never forget. Maybe that’s the best thing I can do in life.

—	Simon van Booy, The Secret Lives of People in Love

When I say I have grown it is no understatement, the girl I was 365 days ago has nothing on who I am today or who I am becoming.  The truth is though I had to lose myself to be able to step back and figure out who I was and what I wanted.  I spent the year learning a lot of lessons some great and some heartbreaking.  I have laughed, loved and cried myself to the girl I am today but I would be remiss to not share all the dirty details with you, so grab your coffee or wine and let me tell you what I learned in my 24th year of this thing we call life.

1. I think the hardest lesson I learned, the most heartbreaking one was that people will leave you.    These people might even be the ones you love and who mean the world to you.  They will disappear with no explanation and you have to let them.  You can't make people stay.  
2. The other awful truth I learned was the people who make promises may not value them as much as you do and they will break said promises.  Get over it and know that the greatest thing you have is your word and keep on keeping your promises.
3. People are also liars, maybe they lied to protect you or because they were scared but they will lie...get over this too.  
4. With that you also have to know that people will come back too and maybe not for awhile but the people who are your people never leave forever, so you have to forgive.
5. Next I had to learn how to not let shitty people who do shitty things ruin my day.  This was hard because I hold people to really high standards and the minute I was let down my whole day or week would just be ruined.  I had to learn that this was more about them than it was about me and it wasn't worth my emotions.  You can't let the bad guys get you down because it only hurts you.
6. Life will give you second chances so you have to give second chances too.  Occasionally a third chance.
7. Alone is not a dirty word.  Embrace it! I can entertain myself, love myself, and have fun by myself therefore the people in my life hold a very special place in my world and the people who end up sucking don't matter so much.
8. On forgiveness, you don't have to forget but you have to make peace with the bad.  Making peace is the greatest thing you can do for yourself because it allows you to move on.
9. You have to get uncomfortable.  Despite popular belief, many and I mean many, social situations freak me out.  This coming from the girl who is usually described as bubbly and outgoing.  Inside I'm usually freaking out.  I overanalyze everything.  Until recently I was really concerned with how other people saw me.  I was always worried about not being picked which is kinda funny because I am certainly not the girl who was always picked first.  I had to learn how to get over feeling uncomfortable and stop being worried that no one actually liked me.  I had to start actually being the girl people described me as and sometimes I still get anxious and freak out over really stupid things like not being texted back but I have learned that it is in being uncomfortable that you learn how to get comfortable.  
10. I learned that taking a leap of faith, choosing the uncertain is actually exciting.  I could've gone to law school this year, could've become the next Elle Woods but I chose to be a gypsy and become a flight attendant.  This was the second greatest thing I did this year.  I have met some of the most incredible people and I spend my days traveling. 
11. In this I learned the meaning of "rest".  Sometimes you need to let yourself sleep in, stay in pajamas all day, binge on Netflix.  I spend days in different time zones and quickly learned that exhaustion is real and it will do a number on you.  It is ok to sleep it off!

    

    
    

12.  I learned that staying in touch is not as easy as it sounds.  Do not for one second forget about the people who are always there for you.  Call, text, write!  Tell people you love them everyday!
13. Adutling is this horrible fear of wrinkles and dying alone mixed with knowing you should eat a salad but you eat popcorn and ice cream anyways.  I realized that its all about balance.  You will get wrinkles but you will not die alone.  Eating popcorn has tons of antioxidants which makes it ok to eat the ice cream but find a place with a good salad and have that tomorrow. 
14. Adulting is also this awful fear of never becoming who you always thought you would be.  And let me tell you, everyday you can reinvent yourself and change.  You really can be whoever you want to be, so stop complaining about how life isn't what you thought it would be and make a change.  I certainly have made plenty.  It isn't easy and it is not always fun but it can be done.
    
15. My most shocking life lesson was that going home is not a sign of failure.  I had this crazy fear that if I ever moved back to New Mexico I would be stuck there forever and would settle for a life I never wanted.  I was wrong.  Going home gave me perspective.  Now home is a plane ride away and I go all the time because it is where I can take a breath.  It is where some of my favorite memories happened.  Its where the people who love me unconditionally are.  Remember to go home, and if you have to move home you are not a failure, let it give you perspective like it did for me.  Know you can always go home.
16. I learned how to be a modern lady by taking notes from women who inspire me and this is probably my favorite lesson.  It was always evolving and lead me to who I want to be today and tomorrow and forever.
17.  I also learned what I want from any man in my life and what I will absolutely not tolerate anymore...I would go into detail but that will make its own juicy post!  You kiss enough frogs and you will find a prince...I promise.
    
18. Red wine will fix everything, even if just for a moment so keep your bar cart stocked, always!
19. Read more books.  Get lost in their stories and let yourself believe in the fairytales.  
20. Go on adventures!  Some of my favorite memories were trips with friends to San Francisco and Portland this year.  Then there were the adventures I had back home, learning to drive stick and spending the day with someone who just makes you smile.  Then there were trips I took by myself to San Fran and NYC!  Visiting my best friend in San Diego and going to disneyland!  You have to have adventures every time you can!
21. I learned that wit and intelligence is the sexiest thing I can possess, so I advise you to never stop learning, never stop growing, and never take life too seriously...laugh a little.
22. The greatest thing I did this year was learn how to let go of my ghosts.  It took me nearly the entire year but I let someone into all the weird and messy that is my life sometimes.  Sometimes you get it right.  I did something I thought I would never do again and that is everything. 

This new year I plan on changing the world and falling in love with every minute of my life.  I will see every inch of this crazy place and dance all over it.  Last year was about finding myself but this year is about being the girl I've become!  I advise you to lose yourself if you must, and never stop dreaming.  

For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

xxx

B