Single Girls Guide: single for 18 months a recap.

 When we started this journey I was newly single embarking on the Taylor Swift 18 months of being single adventure!  It was nothing if not an adventure.  I spent 18 months being single, in those months I met maybe 1 gentleman worthy of an honorable mention but I've remained single. I am still single as I write this and I can honestly say I am happy.  I have discovered what I love, what I hate, what I need, what I want and what I absolutely will not tolerate.  Not only from men in my life but from people in general.

First things first lets talk about how 18 months of singleness really went down.  Well my last relationship began when I moved to Chicago (omg that seems like years and years ago).  He was the "nice-guy" and when it inevitably fell apart, I was shocked and all of a sudden had no sense of what I was doing.  Queue my crying in the rain and moving home cinematic moment.  I knew I needed to really re-evaluate my life at this point because, who was I letting a boy make me cry, that was not me and I needed to get a grip.  I decided that since Swift landed a hot DJ after 18 months of "losing the boy but finding herself" that it was clearly the recipe I needed.  I ran home and straight into the arms of another boy.  After 2 failed attempts at casual dating (we know nothing I do is ever casual) I finally embraced my singleness and started to revel in it.  This was 5 months into my 18 and I became a flight attendant because why not put my ability to run from everything to good use.  I decide to screw law school and travel the world. (I have not traveled the world in my 10 months of this shit, but I do travel which is ok I guess).  This made being single really easy because I never know where I am going or what I am doing and if I lead with that when I meet a boy he quickly leaves the scene.  I can't blame them, but I was learning what I did and did not want with every failed first date or conversations that never turned into a date.  I could go on a million first dates and never feel the need to call them or text them again.  I was making myself happy and never stopping to ask if it was ok.  I stopped questioning if I was pretty enough, or if I should lose 10 pounds, or if "he" liked me.  This was everything.

So that all sounds amazing right?  Wow I became the coolest single girl I know now, and I am like really good at it and am super empowered, because who needs boyfriends right?  Not so fast!

I would be lying if I said this was just an amazing journey that wasn't shitty at all.  It had some really bad moments, mostly because I made being lonely my job and then decided to not let anyone into my life because if I was going to be single that meant keeping everyone at arms length.  Then there were the couple of times I found myself really liking someone and wanting it to work but it just wasn't going to.  I was not always the best at being single.  I don't think that being single is always the easiest either.  And in this crusade I probably hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.  I hate when people disappear on me but looking back no one has ever done it quite as well as I do.  Not that I am proud of my skill set but I think acknowledging you are a hypocrite is a huge step towards growing up and learning how not to treat people.  Which I have learned!

Something happened though, I recently said the greatest thing I did all year was let someone into my dark and twisty life and I stand by that statement.  I would now like to tell you that it ended as quickly as it started.  So do I regret it?  The girl I was 18 months ago would've, and I would be lying again if I said when it all went down that I didn't scream on the phone to my mom that I could've prevented the whole thing, because I did.  The difference in who I was then and who I have become, I screamed and got it all out then came to the realization that it was ok.  I did the right thing, I said fuck it and let life happen.  I made my peace with it and came to understand that sometimes people walk out of your life with no explanation.  This is how I know that I found myself, at least a part of myself in this messy mission.  You should close your eyes and say fuck it more often.  At the end of the day I became the girl who can tell you how she feels then let you go.  I don't need answers anymore, quite frankly I get it, because I have been the person begging for space and walking away without any explanations more times than I can count.  18 months ago I was not this girl.

"Not everything can be explained. Nor does it need to be."
-Someone really smart once said that

As for what I have decided I want, need, and won't stand for.  That is a whole other post that I promise I will write.  For now though, I value honesty above all else and the ability to communicate.  I have grown up exponentially over the past year or so and in doing so I believe everything can be solved with a conversation.  It might be a hard conversation but I would rather have brutal honesty than lies.  I need a partner in crime and someone who shows up at the end of the day to listen to all the weird shit that happens to me on a daily basis.  Easy enough right?

Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.

—	J.K. Rowling

This is where I am going to tell you that if you ever needed a sign, a sign to push you that this is your sign because what I really want you all to know at the end of this crusade is...it doesn't fucking matter one bit.  Who cares how long you are single, I might be single for the rest of my life, I am not worrying about it and neither should you.  With that if you love someone you better tell them, don't waste one minute trying to be the cool single girl if you think that you have found your person.  I believe in 80's movie style grand gestures so go out there and get your person.  Stop worrying about what people think, or caring too much, or being rejected.  If the worst thing happens I promise you it is not really the worst thing.  Stop running, from yourself and from everyone who cares about you.  Yeah sometimes you need some space and some time but everyday you put more space between you and the people who really matter and one day you will wake up with miles between you and no more time.  This life we are given is too short so be single, be in love, just pursue whatever it is that makes you feel something!  In 18 months that is what being alone has really taught me!

18 months ago I lost a boy.  In the past 18 months I have come to understand that I will lose a lot of people and a lot of things in this life but no matter what happens I will be just fine.

xxx
B