Thoughts from 35,000 ft: It Is So Damn Glamorous Up Here

I know I have been slacking the past few weeks on posting but specifically on posting these weekly posts that I promised all you faithful followers!  For that I am forever sorry.  Between Paris, the jet lag from Paris and then the trip I just got off of I have been preoccupied.  But I am back!  Back with lots of thoughts as well!

These past 4 days I have been earning my premium pay slaving in first class.  I'm just kidding, I actually like working first class because you are hardly ever bored.  People expect you to cater to their every whim so they will run you ragged by the end of the day.  That is fine though because with all the catering comes the stories and rampant thoughts.

As my trip came to end, I only had to work one flight home, a 4 hour flight but regardless just one!  This is the holy grail of flying for me!  I hardly ever get off that easy but when I do I am a happy flight attendant.  I finished my meal service and finally sat down for a second to eat my lunch and take a breath.  As I sat there eating my cranberry and mandarin orange salad off a plastic tray, I thought I wonder if those fabulous Pan Am girls did this back in the day.  Here I was curtain drawn in the galley sitting on a box, eating off a plastic tray, shoes off, feet on a hot water bottle because they were getting frostbite and killing me.  After 4 days I was not this glamorous barbie doll traveling the friendly skies and being fabulous but rather an exhausted, sleep deprived hot mess trying to hide that behind concealer and lipstick.  But is it ever glamorous....NO.  Our job has been listed as NUMBER 3 on several "Jobs Most Detrimental to Your Health" lists.  Nothing that high up on the list could be considered glamorous too!

Let me let you in on all that is not glamorous about our "glamorous" career:

1. Beauty sleep is not a real thing because some of our hotels feature green carpet and come with horror stories of bugs and mice.  This means you carry all your luggage into the room hoping it doesn't touch the floor, then you put on socks to walk around the green carpet which you will later throw away just in case! Right before you jump into bed trying not to touch the comforter.
2. We spend way too much money on face creams, sleeping pills and coffee just to survive the sometimes 4 hours of sleep.
3. That red lipstick I flaunt has been all over my face at some point in the day which means makeup touch ups in the bathroom before, during and after flights.  And god luck getting it off once in your hotel room!  May the odds be ever in your favor.
4. Since I am only a year deep into this mess I usually fly with "senior" flight attendants some want to love you and keep you from being bitter and some want to ruin your life for the duration of the flight so good luck smiling through a 12 hour duty day when Nancy keeps making your announcements, being rude to passengers and telling you how it was in the good ole days before all the mergers.
5. When you are working in First Class, you will serve meals on plastic trays that make the whole set up look cheap but the passengers are expecting a meal worthy of a Michelin star.  Surprise I just heated up your meal in the "oven" and who knows how long it was on this cart before I did that.
6.  Everyone thinks that I get to go to Hawaii every week and everytime I complain about my job someone chimes in "well sometimes times you go to Hawaii so it really can't be that bad"...one time actually, and two times my parents took me to Hawaii for free too so actually shut up because I have spent the past 6 months with 8 hour layovers (enough time to sleep for 4-5 hours then do it all over again) in freezing cold Minnesota, scariest hotel ever Reno, and a number of other mundane places and the cool places I never actually get time to see because the layover is too short or my hotel is in another city all together.  For example the Chicago long layover is next  to some mall 2 hours north of the city!
7.  On the note of traveling, yes I travel for free but only when there are open seats on a flight and only when my schedule permits so that awesome Paris trip I took is not attainable every month but you're right I travel for free so that's all that matters
8.  People make comments like "flying is so not what it used to be" to which I want to counter, neither is the caliber of people who travel, as that passenger walks barefoot into the bathroom with their barefoot child.  My point here is that the people on planes are not as glamorous as they used to be either. 
9.  Let's talk about the polyester-wool blend we also call a flame resistant uniform! Not only do you sweat walking the 5 miles from your car in the employee parking lot to the train you take to the airport, but then you burn up on the plane that isn't cooled because its 110 in Phoenix and  you have to set up your galley which is a workout! All this gross fabric making us sweat all so we don't go up in flames, well we are required to wear pantyhose which will adhere to our skin if we have to slide down the escape slide!
10.  On the note of painful things, we spend up to 14-16 hours a day on airplanes.  Want to know what that does to our skin?  Drys it out, breaks it out and forces us to pray to the skin gods if we weren't genetically blessed with amazing genes (I was not blessed).
11. Our sleeping schedules are unreal as well...going to sleep after a red-eye, waking up at 3am on the east coast when your base time is 3 hours behind that.  All-nighters where you get 3 hours of sleep before your next van time (that is 3 hours if you sleep in your uniform with your makeup on).  And don't forget when you get minimum rest every night with maximum working days.
12. Thank god we no longer have to face weekly weigh ins because, we eat most of our meals in airports or on the plane.  We gain weight and lose weight and do it all over again.  All that fast food is bad for your skin too but so is not eating because you didn't have time to pack food then never had time to get off the plane and get something.
13. Lastly, if you are on Reserve like I am, crew scheduling will call you whenever they want.  We are on call everyday (except our off days) for 12 hours to 24 hours.  They will call you at 2am when you just dozed off, they will call you when you're on your second jam singing in the shower, they will call you while you are in yoga.  If they want you they will call and you are required to answer no matter what!  So we sleep with our phones on loud, set to the most annoying ringtone, and pray we get through the night before our number is up.

Basically the only thing glamorous about flight attendant life is our ability to be glamorous on our own and the vacations we take on our days off!  But, hey, I am still going to do my hair and put on red lipstick and smile for the masses and maybe one day we can make those Pan Am girls from back in the day proud.  Until then I'll be serving you cheap wine and lukewarm nuts. See you at 35,000!

xxx

B