Thoughts from 35,000: Chapter 1

It occurred to me that I have a kind of special opportunity, being a flight attendant I encounter all these crazy things all day long.  I have hundreds of ridiculous thoughts and stories just from one day on a plane, so why not share all the crazy with you all?  This is the first post in a series that I will post weekly!  Welcome to my world!

As I write this I am 3 hours into a 4-½ hour flight from Charlotte to Phoenix.  The truth is, this is a routine flight for me; I have been on this flight more times than I can count and it is by no means the longest flight I have been on.  This isn’t about the length of the flights though this is about the things that cross my mind while on a plane.  My time is mostly spent working and that is when the most ridiculous of thoughts seem to pop into my head because I swear people turn into their alter egos on airplanes.  Today though I am not working I am merely a passenger.

"Travel is not reward for working, it’s education for living."

I have also probably written my most emotional text messages or blog posts (some never sent or posted) while flying.  This is probably because it is true what they say, “airports and airplanes see the most sincere tears, hellos, goodbyes, and kisses”.  This makes anyone with a heart feel something, and while I have a black heart, I do still catch the feelings occasionally.   When this happens I take out my cell phone and I type.  Once again the writer in me wins.  A few of you reading this have been on the receiving end of one of these messages, it probably started with “so I was flying” or “nothing like a plane ride…” I then proceeded to be emotionally slutty, as Carrie Bradshaw would put it!  Or I just got weird on you out of nowhere and eventually admit that I am either on a plane or smack in the middle of a 4-day trip. 

Here’s the thing, planes bring out the best and worst in people.  I have watched doctors, nurses and EMTs jump to their feet and help me in a medical emergency, I have watched people cry in the window seat hoping no one can see them, I have watched military men and women come on board and tell me they don’t know when they will be back.  Then there are the people yelling at you because their bag won’t fit in an overhead, yelling because you don’t have free snacks, threatening to get you fired because you don’t have a place to hang their parka on the way to Miami.  I can meet around 500 people in a day and all of them have a story.   These people that I meet and their stories are what lead to all my thoughts!

So the thoughts ensue: (these are typed how I would be thinking them to myself):

•           That couple in first class 1A and 1C is who I want to be with my future husband, how did they get here?  Were there fights? Did it take a few tries before the timing was right? Will I find my person?  I think I found my person.  Ok now I am crazy.  Geez they are great
•       Dear god, why on earth do you not have shoes on, no please don’t…really you are going into that filthy bathroom without shoes on! I am judging you so hard.
•       Passenger “where is the bar on this plane, like in the commercial with that hot blonde girl”.  Hmmm I have been wondering that same thing sir since I started working here.  Where is the bar and where are the showers and all those other things that hot blonde girl gets.
•       Same passenger from above “if you get bored miss you can come sit next to me and I’ll keep you company”.  Oh is that so, well unfortunately I would rather entertain myself by coloring, drinking water, eating snacks, or just downright being bored.
•       Passenger “are we going to __blank__” no mam we are going to Antarctica, hope you packed a coat
•       Why don’t people read real books anymore?  Maybe it makes them sick on planes, it makes me want die while flying personally.
•       Do people really think yelling “MISS” at me will make me want to get them that 5^th Jack and Coke?  Why is it always the people drinking Jack and Coke?
•       Is it bad that my unaccompanied minor and I are reading the same book?
•       If you cant lift your bag what makes you think I can? I am not Captain America despite popular belief.  I consider cardio walking up and down this aisle collecting your absurd amounts of trash.
•       How is so much trash accumulated on a plane?
•      Why did no one consult a flight attendant before they made this hunk of metal?
•       Do people really think the seatbelt sign is just on because the captain forgot to turn it off?
•          Is it bad that all I have eaten on this trip has originated from this airplane?
•       Why is your child climbing on the seats, don't you value his life?
•       How much longer?

Traveling – it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.

—  Ibn Battuta 

Sometimes while flying I get to meet someone and really have a conversation with them, maybe just quick and meaningless but every once and awhile a customer will share a piece of themselves with you and today was a day I got a good story.  I am in uniform so it is safe to say the guy sitting next to me will want to chat, he asks if I am headed home or to work.  Home I say, just finished working.  I ask if he was in Charlotte for the Cardinals game (everyone on this plane was there for that game, the people in first class are currently all talking about it collectively).  He isn't, he is heading to phoenix for work a trip he makes quite often.  Towards the end of the flight we have both finished watching movies and I take out my computer to write and he takes out his to work.  He sees me typing this and asks if I am writing a book, no, I laugh, just a blog.  He asks for the link and I say sorry, I don't give it out to passengers but if you ever find it I hope you like it!  I find out he has pilot friends and has done incredible mission work.  We talk about my want to join the peace corp and his adopted daughter from Kurdistan.  These are the stories that make my job incredible.  And then just like that I hear "flight attendants prepare for landing".  Just like that it is all over with, I will never see these people again, these people with all their stories.   I grab my bags to head home I say it was a pleasure meeting you and I leave.  I will never see him again but he has undoubtedly reignited my fire to change the world in a way.  There is something kind of amazing about the fact that I will do this all over again tomorrow, 500 more people!

xxx

B

Single Girls Guide: single for 18 months a recap.

 When we started this journey I was newly single embarking on the Taylor Swift 18 months of being single adventure!  It was nothing if not an adventure.  I spent 18 months being single, in those months I met maybe 1 gentleman worthy of an honorable mention but I've remained single. I am still single as I write this and I can honestly say I am happy.  I have discovered what I love, what I hate, what I need, what I want and what I absolutely will not tolerate.  Not only from men in my life but from people in general.

First things first lets talk about how 18 months of singleness really went down.  Well my last relationship began when I moved to Chicago (omg that seems like years and years ago).  He was the "nice-guy" and when it inevitably fell apart, I was shocked and all of a sudden had no sense of what I was doing.  Queue my crying in the rain and moving home cinematic moment.  I knew I needed to really re-evaluate my life at this point because, who was I letting a boy make me cry, that was not me and I needed to get a grip.  I decided that since Swift landed a hot DJ after 18 months of "losing the boy but finding herself" that it was clearly the recipe I needed.  I ran home and straight into the arms of another boy.  After 2 failed attempts at casual dating (we know nothing I do is ever casual) I finally embraced my singleness and started to revel in it.  This was 5 months into my 18 and I became a flight attendant because why not put my ability to run from everything to good use.  I decide to screw law school and travel the world. (I have not traveled the world in my 10 months of this shit, but I do travel which is ok I guess).  This made being single really easy because I never know where I am going or what I am doing and if I lead with that when I meet a boy he quickly leaves the scene.  I can't blame them, but I was learning what I did and did not want with every failed first date or conversations that never turned into a date.  I could go on a million first dates and never feel the need to call them or text them again.  I was making myself happy and never stopping to ask if it was ok.  I stopped questioning if I was pretty enough, or if I should lose 10 pounds, or if "he" liked me.  This was everything.

So that all sounds amazing right?  Wow I became the coolest single girl I know now, and I am like really good at it and am super empowered, because who needs boyfriends right?  Not so fast!

I would be lying if I said this was just an amazing journey that wasn't shitty at all.  It had some really bad moments, mostly because I made being lonely my job and then decided to not let anyone into my life because if I was going to be single that meant keeping everyone at arms length.  Then there were the couple of times I found myself really liking someone and wanting it to work but it just wasn't going to.  I was not always the best at being single.  I don't think that being single is always the easiest either.  And in this crusade I probably hurt a few people who didn't deserve it.  I hate when people disappear on me but looking back no one has ever done it quite as well as I do.  Not that I am proud of my skill set but I think acknowledging you are a hypocrite is a huge step towards growing up and learning how not to treat people.  Which I have learned!

Something happened though, I recently said the greatest thing I did all year was let someone into my dark and twisty life and I stand by that statement.  I would now like to tell you that it ended as quickly as it started.  So do I regret it?  The girl I was 18 months ago would've, and I would be lying again if I said when it all went down that I didn't scream on the phone to my mom that I could've prevented the whole thing, because I did.  The difference in who I was then and who I have become, I screamed and got it all out then came to the realization that it was ok.  I did the right thing, I said fuck it and let life happen.  I made my peace with it and came to understand that sometimes people walk out of your life with no explanation.  This is how I know that I found myself, at least a part of myself in this messy mission.  You should close your eyes and say fuck it more often.  At the end of the day I became the girl who can tell you how she feels then let you go.  I don't need answers anymore, quite frankly I get it, because I have been the person begging for space and walking away without any explanations more times than I can count.  18 months ago I was not this girl.

"Not everything can be explained. Nor does it need to be."
-Someone really smart once said that

As for what I have decided I want, need, and won't stand for.  That is a whole other post that I promise I will write.  For now though, I value honesty above all else and the ability to communicate.  I have grown up exponentially over the past year or so and in doing so I believe everything can be solved with a conversation.  It might be a hard conversation but I would rather have brutal honesty than lies.  I need a partner in crime and someone who shows up at the end of the day to listen to all the weird shit that happens to me on a daily basis.  Easy enough right?

Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.

—	J.K. Rowling

This is where I am going to tell you that if you ever needed a sign, a sign to push you that this is your sign because what I really want you all to know at the end of this crusade is...it doesn't fucking matter one bit.  Who cares how long you are single, I might be single for the rest of my life, I am not worrying about it and neither should you.  With that if you love someone you better tell them, don't waste one minute trying to be the cool single girl if you think that you have found your person.  I believe in 80's movie style grand gestures so go out there and get your person.  Stop worrying about what people think, or caring too much, or being rejected.  If the worst thing happens I promise you it is not really the worst thing.  Stop running, from yourself and from everyone who cares about you.  Yeah sometimes you need some space and some time but everyday you put more space between you and the people who really matter and one day you will wake up with miles between you and no more time.  This life we are given is too short so be single, be in love, just pursue whatever it is that makes you feel something!  In 18 months that is what being alone has really taught me!

18 months ago I lost a boy.  In the past 18 months I have come to understand that I will lose a lot of people and a lot of things in this life but no matter what happens I will be just fine.

xxx
B

Art of Communication

I recently read an article in Elle that talked about what happened when a girl gave up her iPhone for 2 weeks.  Yes, a whole two weeks!  I quickly began to think about what would happen if I gave up my phone.  It will come as no surprise that my first concern was not having Siri to tell me how to get where I was going.  I am hands down the most directionally challenged person I know.  Next, would people think I was ignoring them?  Would I feel completely disconnected from the world?  What would I do throughout the day if I couldn't text 24/7 or check social media every free second I have? The truth is though the only thing my phone absolutely has to do is ring when scheduling calls me at whatever ungodly hour they decide to call.  Which means I could ditch my phone for a burner in a heartbeat.  So why wasn't I heading to the nearest store?

Well to answer that question honestly, I am one of those people who is attached to her phone.  I almost bought a Blackberry a la Sarah Jessica Parker (I am constantly channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw) but I didn't because I would have to give up Instagram and Tumblr.  Yes, that was the deciding factor!    Writing this I realize how awful that is, to be so attached to something that has no meaning in the grander scheme of things.  My brother gets more likes than me on his Instagram pictures anyways.  At this point my wheels were turning about how I could lessen the amount of time I spend on my phone.  What could I get accomplished if I wasn't constantly distracted by my phone?  I could devote more time to writing, I could read books faster, I could just generally be more aware of my life and how I'm spending my time.  Then I had a very honest conversation with someone whose thoughts and opinions I have come to hold highly.  We were talking about how the amount of time we spend texting all day long every single day could become a bad thing really fast.  We love talking to each other but did we really need to spend all day long going back and forth? No we didn't!  I liked getting my "good morning" texts but we could easily give each other some space throughout the day.  You know what happened when we decided to take a step back...when we talked at the end of the day we got to actually tell each other about our days!  What a concept!  It was amazing!  So this is what freedom feels like I thought.  It was amazing how much I got accomplished and how efficiently I did so.  I wasn't pausing to text someone or check my Instagram throughout the day so I was just getting stuff done.  This post was nearly finished when I decided to write a letter I had been meaning to write and then headed to Barnes and Noble.  I spent a few hours just reading and browsing every section and not once did I stop to look at my phone.  I still have a long way to go before I have perfected how I use my phone now but today I found out how great it is to step away from it all!

Here is how I plan to change my approach to my cellphone:

1. I decided my first step should be getting rid of loud dings and bells and vibrations for text messages.  From now on my text messages are truly silent.  Throughout the day I will check my messages the way I check my emails, occasionally.
2. No more wasteful texting..."I'm on my way" "ok", anything involving one word or something that contributes absolutely nothing to a conversation.
3. No more phones at the table, the saddest thing I have seen is people sharing a meal and spending their time on their phones.  
4. I also moved all my apps that are at all related to social media away from the home screen so that I have to search for them to use them.  
5. I am going to make time to call people to catch up with them, make plans with them and spend more time having real conversations that don't involve hours of texting back and forth.
6. No more sleeping with my phone.  When I go to bed it will get put on the nightstand so I can grab it if scheduling calls but won't feel the need to check it throughout the night.

A part of me wishes I could go back to when my phone didn't have texting and people had to call me but since I don't see all my friends and family giving up their phones anytime soon I'll settle for my mini changes! I'm really excited that my phone battery is going to start lasting a lot longer which will be amazing since I can never seem to keep it from dying daily.  Not to mention I will have so much more to say when I talk to people, making the time so much more valuable!  I am really excited to not feel like I have to be constantly connected.  I dare you to try to step away from your phone and spend more time genuinely involved in living your life.

xxx

B

Welcome to a New Year

(disclaimer: This was written to Taylor Swift and Adele lyrics, my apologies for the honesty and length)

It has been a year of incredible growth...

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.

—	Judith McNaught, Remember When

I started writing this post weeks ago and just hadn't found the inspiration needed to actually write it.  I deleted nearly the entire thing 3 times but the one thing that remained through every edit was that first line..."it has been a year of incredible growth".

I knew I needed to get out of my own head to get it all out and the next thing I knew crew scheduling was sending me on  4 day trip with my first layover being the beaches of Puerto Vallarta.  Sitting on my balcony, pen and paper it all started spilling out.  I listened to the waves crash and just let all my thoughts come full circle.  They say to know a writer is the greatest thing you can do because you'll never die.  Now I understand that because my memories of last year all came back vividly, everyone involved in them included.  I scribbled it all down and now with my headphones in, coffee next to my computer and my phone on do not disturb I share it with you.

I began my year having no clue what I wanted out of life and I ended it knowing exactly what I want and who I am and who I want to be!

I want to do things for people they will never forget. Maybe that’s the best thing I can do in life.

—	Simon van Booy, The Secret Lives of People in Love

When I say I have grown it is no understatement, the girl I was 365 days ago has nothing on who I am today or who I am becoming.  The truth is though I had to lose myself to be able to step back and figure out who I was and what I wanted.  I spent the year learning a lot of lessons some great and some heartbreaking.  I have laughed, loved and cried myself to the girl I am today but I would be remiss to not share all the dirty details with you, so grab your coffee or wine and let me tell you what I learned in my 24th year of this thing we call life.

1. I think the hardest lesson I learned, the most heartbreaking one was that people will leave you.    These people might even be the ones you love and who mean the world to you.  They will disappear with no explanation and you have to let them.  You can't make people stay.  
2. The other awful truth I learned was the people who make promises may not value them as much as you do and they will break said promises.  Get over it and know that the greatest thing you have is your word and keep on keeping your promises.
3. People are also liars, maybe they lied to protect you or because they were scared but they will lie...get over this too.  
4. With that you also have to know that people will come back too and maybe not for awhile but the people who are your people never leave forever, so you have to forgive.
5. Next I had to learn how to not let shitty people who do shitty things ruin my day.  This was hard because I hold people to really high standards and the minute I was let down my whole day or week would just be ruined.  I had to learn that this was more about them than it was about me and it wasn't worth my emotions.  You can't let the bad guys get you down because it only hurts you.
6. Life will give you second chances so you have to give second chances too.  Occasionally a third chance.
7. Alone is not a dirty word.  Embrace it! I can entertain myself, love myself, and have fun by myself therefore the people in my life hold a very special place in my world and the people who end up sucking don't matter so much.
8. On forgiveness, you don't have to forget but you have to make peace with the bad.  Making peace is the greatest thing you can do for yourself because it allows you to move on.
9. You have to get uncomfortable.  Despite popular belief, many and I mean many, social situations freak me out.  This coming from the girl who is usually described as bubbly and outgoing.  Inside I'm usually freaking out.  I overanalyze everything.  Until recently I was really concerned with how other people saw me.  I was always worried about not being picked which is kinda funny because I am certainly not the girl who was always picked first.  I had to learn how to get over feeling uncomfortable and stop being worried that no one actually liked me.  I had to start actually being the girl people described me as and sometimes I still get anxious and freak out over really stupid things like not being texted back but I have learned that it is in being uncomfortable that you learn how to get comfortable.  
10. I learned that taking a leap of faith, choosing the uncertain is actually exciting.  I could've gone to law school this year, could've become the next Elle Woods but I chose to be a gypsy and become a flight attendant.  This was the second greatest thing I did this year.  I have met some of the most incredible people and I spend my days traveling. 
11. In this I learned the meaning of "rest".  Sometimes you need to let yourself sleep in, stay in pajamas all day, binge on Netflix.  I spend days in different time zones and quickly learned that exhaustion is real and it will do a number on you.  It is ok to sleep it off!

    

    
    

12.  I learned that staying in touch is not as easy as it sounds.  Do not for one second forget about the people who are always there for you.  Call, text, write!  Tell people you love them everyday!
13. Adutling is this horrible fear of wrinkles and dying alone mixed with knowing you should eat a salad but you eat popcorn and ice cream anyways.  I realized that its all about balance.  You will get wrinkles but you will not die alone.  Eating popcorn has tons of antioxidants which makes it ok to eat the ice cream but find a place with a good salad and have that tomorrow. 
14. Adulting is also this awful fear of never becoming who you always thought you would be.  And let me tell you, everyday you can reinvent yourself and change.  You really can be whoever you want to be, so stop complaining about how life isn't what you thought it would be and make a change.  I certainly have made plenty.  It isn't easy and it is not always fun but it can be done.
    
15. My most shocking life lesson was that going home is not a sign of failure.  I had this crazy fear that if I ever moved back to New Mexico I would be stuck there forever and would settle for a life I never wanted.  I was wrong.  Going home gave me perspective.  Now home is a plane ride away and I go all the time because it is where I can take a breath.  It is where some of my favorite memories happened.  Its where the people who love me unconditionally are.  Remember to go home, and if you have to move home you are not a failure, let it give you perspective like it did for me.  Know you can always go home.
16. I learned how to be a modern lady by taking notes from women who inspire me and this is probably my favorite lesson.  It was always evolving and lead me to who I want to be today and tomorrow and forever.
17.  I also learned what I want from any man in my life and what I will absolutely not tolerate anymore...I would go into detail but that will make its own juicy post!  You kiss enough frogs and you will find a prince...I promise.
    
18. Red wine will fix everything, even if just for a moment so keep your bar cart stocked, always!
19. Read more books.  Get lost in their stories and let yourself believe in the fairytales.  
20. Go on adventures!  Some of my favorite memories were trips with friends to San Francisco and Portland this year.  Then there were the adventures I had back home, learning to drive stick and spending the day with someone who just makes you smile.  Then there were trips I took by myself to San Fran and NYC!  Visiting my best friend in San Diego and going to disneyland!  You have to have adventures every time you can!
21. I learned that wit and intelligence is the sexiest thing I can possess, so I advise you to never stop learning, never stop growing, and never take life too seriously...laugh a little.
22. The greatest thing I did this year was learn how to let go of my ghosts.  It took me nearly the entire year but I let someone into all the weird and messy that is my life sometimes.  Sometimes you get it right.  I did something I thought I would never do again and that is everything. 

This new year I plan on changing the world and falling in love with every minute of my life.  I will see every inch of this crazy place and dance all over it.  Last year was about finding myself but this year is about being the girl I've become!  I advise you to lose yourself if you must, and never stop dreaming.  

For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

xxx

B