Dark and Twisty

Here’s the thing when I left Chicago I couldn’t admit that I was really leaving.  I all of a sudden felt this need to be logical and practical so quickly I pushed everything I loved to one side and gave it zero value because obviously the fact that I was throwing away money on rent and not finding full time employment that paid the bills trumped everything.   I convinced myself that Chicago was not for me and had a whole slew of reasons why in case anyone questioned my logic.  I had it worked down to a single speech I could give with little variation to anyone who asked or made me feel as though I needed to justify what I was doing.   I told people coming home was my sabbatical, wouldn’t last longer than a year and I just needed a moment to myself to figure out what I wanted out of life.  The next thing I knew I was having my last meal in Chicago with my best friend then standing in an airport filled with the sense that I wasn't making the right decision and just waiting for a sign to not go, I needed a grand gesture.  It never came and I boarded that plane home.  Unfortunately I probably should’ve bought a ticket to Bali if clearing my head was really what I wanted.  Truth be told I know exactly what I want, everything.  And now every time I give my little speech to people shocked by my return home I feel a tinge of pain.  Leaving Chicago was the worst and best thing I ever did, because I realized I should’ve stayed and ultimately I have to stop running because in the words of Holly Golightly: no matter how far you run, you always run into yourself.   One month after leaving, I was faced with the chance to go back, I turned it down because yet again when practicality was weighed it didn't add up.  I would sell my soul to get out of New Mexico again but something has me wondering should I take the leap?  A year ago I was planning moves to NYC, maybe Paris, and then settled on Chicago without even a second thought so why now am I so concerned with what is and is not “practical”?  I am the opposite of practical by any definition; I wear ball gowns to brunch and can justify $400 shoes  For the first time in my life I can’t trust my heart, and I am a lead with your heart and tell your head to figure it out kind of person.   So the biggest question here is what happened in a year that messed me up so much? 

Claudia Schiffer in Look at Claudia for Vogue Italia, March 2009 by Patrick Demarchelier Styled by Patti Wilson

I am not sure if somewhere along the way I lost my unending self-confidence and belief that I was made for something larger, maybe I let the practical people in my life get into my head, maybe somewhere along the way I was told too many times that I have my head way too far up in the clouds.  I think perhaps I did the unthinkable and grew up and forgot those childish fantasies filled with whimsy and courage.  I think I forgot fairytales exist and like my brother said became colder than Chicago.  I have always been a little dark and twisty inside but I worry the dark over came all the glitter and gold. 

I refuse to settle, for a life less than extraordinary, for a man who isn’t ride or die, for a city who is never setting a higher standard, and for a job that doesn’t evoke passion every single day.   I will find that girl who was glitter and gold and fancy full of whimsy.  And I won’t find her here.  So here’s to throwing caution into the wind, saying yes, and learning how to believe in a world where I can have it all again.  I can tell I am on the brink of something extraordinary, I can feel it in my bones and in my heart. 

XXX

B

Ps.  To my littlest Knicks I know I said you would be in my next post but it took a turn and I promise on French fries and Red wine you will get your post! Love you