Here’s the thing when I left Chicago I couldn’t admit that I was really leaving. I all of a sudden felt this need to be logical and practical so quickly I pushed everything I loved to one side and gave it zero value because obviously the fact that I was throwing away money on rent and not finding full time employment that paid the bills trumped everything. I convinced myself that Chicago was not for me and had a whole slew of reasons why in case anyone questioned my logic. I had it worked down to a single speech I could give with little variation to anyone who asked or made me feel as though I needed to justify what I was doing. I told people coming home was my sabbatical, wouldn’t last longer than a year and I just needed a moment to myself to figure out what I wanted out of life. The next thing I knew I was having my last meal in Chicago with my best friend then standing in an airport filled with the sense that I wasn't making the right decision and just waiting for a sign to not go, I needed a grand gesture. It never came and I boarded that plane home. Unfortunately I probably should’ve bought a ticket to Bali if clearing my head was really what I wanted. Truth be told I know exactly what I want, everything. And now every time I give my little speech to people shocked by my return home I feel a tinge of pain. Leaving Chicago was the worst and best thing I ever did, because I realized I should’ve stayed and ultimately I have to stop running because in the words of Holly Golightly: no matter how far you run, you always run into yourself. One month after leaving, I was faced with the chance to go back, I turned it down because yet again when practicality was weighed it didn't add up. I would sell my soul to get out of New Mexico again but something has me wondering should I take the leap? A year ago I was planning moves to NYC, maybe Paris, and then settled on Chicago without even a second thought so why now am I so concerned with what is and is not “practical”? I am the opposite of practical by any definition; I wear ball gowns to brunch and can justify $400 shoes For the first time in my life I can’t trust my heart, and I am a lead with your heart and tell your head to figure it out kind of person. So the biggest question here is what happened in a year that messed me up so much?
Claudia Schiffer in Look at Claudia for Vogue Italia, March 2009 by Patrick Demarchelier Styled by Patti Wilson
I am not sure if somewhere along the way I lost my unending
self-confidence and belief that I was made for something larger, maybe I let
the practical people in my life get into my head, maybe somewhere along the way
I was told too many times that I have my head way too far up in the
clouds. I think perhaps I did the
unthinkable and grew up and forgot those childish fantasies filled with whimsy
and courage. I think I forgot fairytales
exist and like my brother said became colder than Chicago. I have always been a little dark and twisty
inside but I worry the dark over came all the glitter and gold.
I refuse to settle, for a life less than extraordinary, for
a man who isn’t ride or die, for a city who is never setting a higher standard,
and for a job that doesn’t evoke passion every single day. I will find that girl who was glitter and
gold and fancy full of whimsy. And I
won’t find her here. So here’s to
throwing caution into the wind, saying yes, and learning how to believe in a
world where I can have it all again. I
can tell I am on the brink of something extraordinary, I can feel it in my
bones and in my heart.
XXX
B
Ps. To my littlest
Knicks I know I said you would be in my next post but it took a turn and I
promise on French fries and Red wine you will get your post! Love you
